I have a horrible history with my family. Have you ever been shunned out? I have been many times by my father who by the way has no religion .
But like to push people out the family. what really gets to me about my life is how people seem to accept me. My family seem to not accept me . will ok I need to stop saying family because really its only a few within the family and I say family because I don’t know to much of that side and the ones I do know that I call family is the ones that truly hurts me.
Last year during covid I seem to have found my voice. I started to say”NO” I Started to not agree to everything. I feel I was trying so hard to fit in to be apart of a group and have life friends that I end up losing myself hurting myself and letting so many run over me. In this group was two sisters a friend and me. we all have children which made things very fun here and there parties and such. once I let those around me know how I truly felt ….things turned so left. Me opening my mouth to state the truth about thing and how things make me feel really seemed to break up everything. The things is you can only take so many jabs.
You can only take someone talking crap about you and you do nothing for so long. and that was me. I started to be me. I started to do things I wouldn’t normally do because im so afraid of things. but I attempted to make money in other ways. but seem to be judge about that. I caught on to the smart remarks and spoke for myself. I was never scared of any individual. I just don’t like to be mean and hurt people feeling. But it seem I had to protect myself. See I always feel like I really have no one. even tho people say they are there for you…. Are they really no?
They turn on you faster than ever. so why not protect myself. I spoke up against things I don’t like and it turn to my pain being used against me and me being alone. I don’t like judgment. so when I feel some one is watching and talking about me I get defensive unless im drinking and it goes in one ear and out the other. I lost 4 people close to me because they didn’t accept me. they truly didn’t there is no way! if the things a person do on a daily is something you don’t agree with that is not acceptance. if I make a move and you say its stupid than that is not support. small things to them is big things to me. my kids are very very important to me but people know how to get to me with them. so many stories so much detail. I revisit in my head how did things spiral so bad.
I don’t like being alone…. I don’t like the pain… I have horrible anxiety and no one seems to want to support me . I honesty don’t think they knew what anxiety is truly because if they did they would understand why I Was the way I was and why I made the choices I made……… in my heart I want to contact everyone and be back to normal but I know things will never be the same….. so now im out in the world alone . I am free and I have less trouble in my. I don’t have to deal with so much bull….. but still no one wants to truly be alone. see im not important enough for them to try to talk to…. remember I was the new one in the group…. I made us have a great time always. I know so many Secret about them I would never hurt them with…. but yet they think they are invincible.
I say pain because I honestly just want to be heard. All I ever wanted and for people to acknowledge my feelings. Stop putting them to the side like they don’t matter … I am different but I am a person. and I truly feel like for me to have people in my life around me they have to respect me . even tho it hurts to not be around my sister and friend….they hurt me. she hurt me more and she is my blood. I am standing up for my feelings and with that I lost people ….PAIN …..when does it stop?