Private Thoughts

Im sorry , if you ever read this , but I have to get these things out. I am my own therapy. I write to get out my pain. So many things I don’t understand .so many things I am confused about so many things I wonder why. As a child I thought it was happy times. I was too young to understand anything that was going on around me. I never understood why we had to be outside all the time and why so many times we were not allowed in the house. I never understood why when my dad would take me home on Sundays afternoon if I’m staying the night at his house you weren’t home when he dropped me off or tried to. I will have to go to my godmother’s house. Where were you mom? Why wasn’t I able to reach you.? Where was my siblings at that time? How come no one answered the door? So many things you fucked up on. It hurt my heart to know you did drugs. I cried because I thought you were the perfect mom. I do understand that times were harder for you than they are now for me as a mother in my time and age. But I feel like you could’ve made better choices. I started this blog to help myself so I don’t have to pay for therapy. I cry as a type and think about the things that I’ve been through as a child. I love to wake up in the morning and take my kids to school. So many days and so many times I remember you not even being near me going on my bus or coming home. Before going to the school with the bus We always walk to school. And if we missed the bus we were in trouble. But you always had a car I don’t understand mom how come you didn’t take us to school. Did you ever wonder if something would happen to us on the way to school.? Did you ever think that we did anything wrong or anything wrong what happened while we were in school?

Why didn’t you not tell me earlier that Curtis was not my real father. Why did you send me to be around a man and his family knowing he was not my real father? I don’t understand. I am so confused. You wait until I was 12 and my godmother pressures you so much to tell the truth. I met my father at 12 years old I was in the fifth grade. I’ll never forget the day you dress me up did my hair put only me in the car not my siblings to take me on a ride just me and you. I’ll never forget it you say the guy that you’ve been going to and being around is not your real father. You’re going to your real father house now. I was so shock in the back of my car. I didn’t understand what that meant. What do you mean these people are not my family. What do you mean that’s not my real father? How can you say that. I love those people. They were the only nice things that were happening. We went over there quite a lot. I don’t understand. Why would you lie to me? The sad part is you drop me off as if everything was truly OK. You did not like this man at all you kept me away from him for a reason. You didn’t walk me into the house or go the door to see what was behind the door when I walked in. Didn’t stay there with me for the first time while meeting this guy. Do you have any idea what that experience was like for me? you was not a good mom.

My experience was so horrible with my father that you became the angel in my eyes. I will be around this man who was my father and continue to still go to the other family who I thought was my father. How confusing is that. You told me that this people are not my family. But yet you did not tell them that they are not my family. It was me and other people that had to tell them that I had a different dad. So sad. You didn’t care about us. I feel like we were not important to you. I feel like you fucked up on so many things while raising us in those 12 years that I live with you. I didn’t know what to do with when I got my period . For some reason I remember that day was the day that we were packing up to move to Florida. Getting my period for the first time I remember you walking out of the bathroom and I was sitting on the stairs. I think I went to pee after you and blood started to come out into the toilet and I just look so confused. I think it was my older sister that explain to me about pads and gave me one to put in my panties and life went on. I didn’t know what boobs were when I first grown them. I didn’t know why boys were running around and smack my butt I didn’t know that was back there. You didn’t teach me how to be a woman or or a lady or a girl. I thank God no one snatched me and took me or hurt me in any other way. I feel like many things could’ve went wrong during the time that I live with you but didn’t. You tell us that our stepfather used to touch and sniff on my sister’s underwear. Why did you stay with him so long and have two children with him if you knew so. Why did you put yourself in so many dangerous situation with so many stupid men. Why were you into drugs. Why aren’t you strong enough to stop? Why did you not get us back? Do you realize because you were not a strong woman and your relationship that all your daughters have been in abusive relationships. Do you care that we have all been in abusive relationships. Do you care that any of us could’ve been seriously hurt. Do you care that we stayed and didn’t know what to do because that’s what we were used to and what we seen growing up.

You are not a good mom. What were you doing when we were in a group home? Where were you when we were being put in different foster homes? Why were you not calling and checking on us and finding out where we were? Why was your life more important than ours?

Why weren’t you there to make sure we had clean clothes and food to eat? Why weren’t you there doing our hair and make sure we look OK to go to school? Why weren’t you the one who trained and made sure that I knew how to become a woman? Why did you send me off to this man who you know was a horrible person?

I don’t know you. I’m 30 years old and I don’t know you. I’ve always had your phone number and contact in my phone and I still don’t know you.. I remember all the birthdays I will wait at the table for you to call. While living with my dad the only important thing to me was you. I was that child that wanted to eventually be back with their mom. I thought that I will only be with him temporarily and you will come get me. I thought I will be back with my siblings by now. But it never happened. Where were you? Why did you leave us? What were you doing? How come you never came back? Why did you never come back for me? That is the real question. My other siblings live with you from time to time in and out. But it seems like I’ve never had the chance to really be back around you. No one fought for me. No one came for me. Everyone knew I was not happy and no one wanted me. You were not a good mom.

As an adult and a mother of three kids and dealing with the things that I have been through I can understand why you did some of the things that you did but what I can’t understand is why we were not so important to you. Did you not care about us as much because we look like the men to you? do you not care because They were abusive to you right? They put you on drugs right?

I don’t blame you for everything but I believe you were no longer a good mom and my eyes I have so much pain anxiety confusion hurt because of you which is where it all started still going. I can’t find a good relationship to save my life. I don’t know what a good relationship looks like. I’ve been around men and women who abused and hurt and argued the whole time my whole life. I only know what normal look like if it comes from TV. My whole life has been a fantasy of what TV is and what TV shows about relationship. what it should be. Isn’t that sad. I don’t know what real love is. Isn’t it sad. that I don’t know what a real family is.

Again I’m sorry if you end reading this and it hurts you but why you were all living your life your children were going through things so at the end of the day I feel you deserve to hear the truth of how we feel we are not wrong for feeling how we feel because these are the feelings you left us with. I hope to one day get to you and you can truly explain why we were left behind. I want to know why you blame me for the trouble that I went through while living with my dad.saying”I choose to go with him” as if I had a choice.

How do you open your mouth and say those things? How do you tell my siblings that it is my fault that I went through what I went through at my dad’s house. You weren’t there. You weren’t around to help. You didn’t do your job as a mother and I got stuck with him. You didn’t check and make sure that it was OK for me to be around him knowing that he was a bad person before I was born. Did you know that my dad sexually molested my little sister. My dad did cocaine and will have many different personalities very bipolar narcissistic man one day he was happy the next day super mad and everyone in the house got in trouble for so many things we didn’t do. We were constantly on punishment. Nothing made him happy. He was always upset. Now knowing what drugs are and what they do. I tried to wonder when the times he was OK and normal is that the time that he was on drugs? Does drugs make you feel happier? When he wasn’t able to get the drugs or didn’t do the drugs is that why he was upset? Or was the drugs and the reason he was upset and when he was a happy man was the times that he wasn’t on the drug? I don’t know . All I do know is …….. You are not a good mom.

You have always had my phone number you never checked on me as often as you should there’s no way I can let my children be out not around me and not called him or text him and not know that they’re OK because I truly love my kids my kids means so much to me even though they came from and who abused me as well we were not important to you that is how you make me feel I was not important to you that is how you make me Feel.

I’m sorry mother if you want to read this but this is my way of therapy for free.