Private Thoughts

Have you ever try to hide being abused?… I have for years….I was 19. My father kicked me out. The guy I was talking to at the time was the only person that help me to figure out where to go…his house!. I was terrified. Honestly scared because I BEARLY knew him we talked for maybe three weeks before my dad attempt to kick me out once again. I called around to see who house I can go to. a couple family members and friends sadly he was my only source. When I first moved in with him I was uncomfortable only because it’s was him and his family… Who I NEVER MET before now. I didnt know he lived with his parents.

We slept in his room. Small space but better than where I was.. so I thought. A few weeks go by and that’s when it started. He became louder and scary. I would first watch him yell at his mother. Argue and puff up at his dad. I witness him push him mother in the backyard and call her a Bitch… I never knew what they would fight for all the time. They all spoke Spanish. BEARLY English at the time. Days go on and He started with me. yelling loud at me for small things I would do. We would go back n fourth about how I clean or eating certain things. Going to certain places. He would get very mad and storm off. 

After I graduated we moved to Gainesville FL. We managed to get our own apartment . my enstrage mother was the source for that. we stayed a day at her house to find apartments and then found one around the corner from her. Our first apartment. We would have conversation that soon pissed him off. At first he would always run away.. leave.. then he started to stayed… Stayed and hit the doors and walls. He was a buff man. Strong.

So of course walls and doors had holes everywhere. I was terrified I looked at the holes like wow that could be my face one day. I would cry in the bathroom thinking to myself where or what Can I do. But I literally had no where else to go. I didn’t talk to my family and my dad shunned me out and told my sibling not to be around me. Not to long after I walked across the stage and then moved to Gainesville . I soon found out I was pregnant with our first child.i kept getting dizzy and passing out in the shower. I dint know what was wrong at the time. he took me to my mothers and she took me to the hospital to be the first to know im prego. ….but things did’nt get better.. It wasn’t happy times…Things got worse.

He couldn’t find a job in Gainesville FL. He seemed freaked out and I think the fact that he was not around his family stressed him out and now he is pregnant and he couldn’t even get a job. so he decided to moved back with his parents and work with his dad . I could of stayed with my mother in Gainesville.. I could of got out I could off been free… but before I moved to Gainesville I seen my mother maybe three or four times after years and years apart. I didnt feel comfortable to live with her… I didnt know her or her moves. I was scared… I wanted to be back in Hollywood fl.where I was comfortable and familiar with.And in my head I’m thinking Im pregnant. I have to stay with the father I don’t want to do this alone. Also I haven’t been around my mother for years I was a foster child . So I went back to hallandale with him🤦🏽‍♀️

one time arguing in his room he got upset and punch me in the stomach … I was pregnant I think 3 or 4 months. Omg the pain that day! At that time I thought he didnt want the baby… maybe he did that to get ride of him…He immediately freaked out and ran off .he realized what he did… jumped in his red car and sped down the road. Even at that time with my mother he wanted me to stay with her. (I think he wanted out at that time). His mother came running in the room curious to what had just happened….she tryed to stop him from leaving but off he went for a few hours.I cried that night because the only thing I was worried about at that time was where was he. I was in his parents house that dont speak English and I knew no one. I felt so weird for me. he was the only person in the world I trusted at the time. even though… he just punched me.

He came back crying saying how sorry he was, how hell never do it again. … he held my stomach and cried. and it stopped for a few weeks. I was so sick when I was pregnant . My Body was not taking the change to well. I threw up so many times. big pools of throw up when I couldn’t make it to the bathroom. I was stress out so bad. I was scared to sleep every day. I did’nt know what the next day would be like.

A month later we moved out of his parent.He got a place down a few trailers from his parents. which was worse. Now we are in our own home and no one can see what he does behinds the doors. I felt like his parents always knew but would never say it. They spoke Spanish so I don’t know if they ever talk to him about it. I also knew his mother hated me for some reason.and would protect him no matter what. .I could just feel it. I feel like many arguments was about me but I never knew if he was defending me or is talking bad about me. I couldn’t talk to her because I did’nt know much Spanish and she did’nt know much English .

Living in our place was dark. we fought a lot. we both was stress . Being so young and new to it all. At 6 months I had our first son. Early 25weeks..I had an infection .The doctor said that could have made him come early. But I knew it was from the stress and pain I was enduring each day. he didn’t come home right away because he was premature . So five months in the hospital. Five months living alone and stress that our son is in the hospital. I didn’t work ,I was home. he wanted me to stay home and take care of our son. We would fight over the house.. cleaning and fixing it.we stayed in a trailer that came with issues that needed to be fix. but not knowing our son would come early nothing was prepared. we didnt even have anything for him yet.

When we baught the place he promised to fix the things wrong in it before our son was born. He was early but yet in the hospital so he had time. He would get upset and I could see the fire in his eyes. after me asking and asking to get things fix. I started doing things on my own. I painted the house to give it a nice look. put up pictures and things .. He would get loud and cream in such a deep voice. . Call me names. Everything about me he hated… He would talk crap about everything I did. I was not a real woman and mother in his eyes. I didn’t clean right, cook right, be a mom right! We would argue over everything he didn’t agree with.he only knew of one way . His mothers way. Im American so my way was stupid to him most of the times.

I would try to defend myself by arguing back until he put me up against the walls, chocking me so hard I could BEARLY breath. He would punch holes next to my face while chocking me. … One time he drag me off the bed by my braids. He had me against the wall in the living room right next to the door. Yelling at me with rage and chocking me. I called his father but would say nothing . His dad rushed over and broke down the door. He open the door to see his son holding me up on the wall… He got him off then forced him to leave… His father would always look at me like .he knew and was so srry. 😔 But he would tell me basically you have to deal with it for the kids… Told me the kids need us … So I stayed… And it continue.

it was so hard to me to be around .. the family events knowing that they knew but know one was helping he or me. For five years I lived with him separated from my family. All I had was him. We had so many holes in our house. I would get pictures and use them, ugly flower pictures big enough to hide the truth. His friends or my friends would come over. I didn’t want no one to know. it was embarrassing to me and the proof led to questions. I never even thought that other woman may be dealing with it. or if they saw the holes would they know right away why they were there and call the cops. Once my mom visit and I wanted to tell her so bad… I made it seem to the world I was so happy and engaged and ok .I would post pictures and when I had one good moment I was speak on it. no one knew my big secret. Twice I called the cops but hung up scared.. what would happen am I ready for him to go to jail? 

I was punch..dragged..chocked.. hair pulled … he push me into walls. a few times my son witness him put me against the walls and he cryed. and yelled at his dad. He grabbed him and threw him in the room. He would Screamed so close to my face I would get spit on me. I was little 100 lbs he was bigger than me I didn’t know how to react at first..what to do. The last time I grabbed a knife. I knew he was coming for me so I started to plan things. I grabbed a knife and started yelling back.. I threaten to hurt him if he came closer. Another fight I called his dad and he rushed over got him out before he got to me this time. sometimes he would leave and go to his moms and be so up in rage that she would come check on me. but I never knew if she was checking on me or was she just being nosey and had a story to tell. Here I am a young mother and she watched as her son got so angry with me. sometimes she was tell me to just do what he asked. I felt I needed to fight for my self. The things I knew and grew up on I fought to keep. I at times did want it to work because we had children. but that had passed and he wasn’t ready. he wanted out. He cheated on me a couple times. once I caught him and told the lady he is married. The second Lady I seen it as a way out. I didnt fight this time. I asked him and he choose her over me of course.. I was hurt for two seconds but then I thought THANK GOD! IM FREE… really free.. he wants to leave . I feel like he wanted an out from being a dad with a child who may be sick. or he just didnt want the whole family thing . he wanted someone else older more mature. that could take care of him. … I was scared at first. But happy I didn’t have to deal with him anymore. Two kids, five years of abuse and he left me . I never had the balls to leave … If he didn’t cheat n leave me I would have been with him still….

We had a third child… But I refused to have anymore kids with him. (A year before he left) we had an abortion. He wasn’t ok with the first two he didn’t want kids really so I felt he hated me for his life changing… But the third he wanted🤔… I choose to have an abortion I didn’t tell anyone and I just thought I can not have another baby with this man I dont care what any one say. Two years later we are in divorce court. I haven’t seen him to much since I moved away. he told me I could stay in the trailer. but we stayed there five years rat infested and you never fixed anything. so I sold it. was stupid gave him half the money and I moved out to a small apartment.

We had a huge fight once at my new place . My sisters started a bunch of shit with his new girl . which caused him to be madder and fight for the kids in court. .. we had so many court dates. and that was the only time I seen him. The first time I sat across from him seeing him at the tables to discuss things . something was trigger and I had a panic attack. I had to say out loud what had happen to me . To see if the court would understand why im so afraid of him. he put me through so much and not many people knew out loud that I was abused . The divorce lady looked at me and asked questions… I couldn’t talk he was right there! So she took me to another room. There I told her I was scared ..scared to talk because he use to hurt me. I could see the fire in his eyes . His Eyes always talk for him. Telling someone else .. just does something to you. It let out emotions u didn’t know where there… I would cry in the bathroom everyday living with him. I had panic attack’s often. I hated myself and everything about me felt so ugly… U think it’s love ,you think it’s right. Until it stop and u understand it’s not ok. I didnt know a lot of things was wrong. I soon did and realize that was not love. I know that man never loved me there is no way.

Abuse is not love and Abuse comes in many forms . People hurt you when they think they saved you. they use you as a punching to make them feel powerful. I thank god that lady took him from me. It was my only way out. I feel so sorry for her because I know what goes on behind close doors! I know he will or has treated her bad. she doesn’t smile anymore. that bad bitch she thought she was is no more and im sure she wish she never gave him any attention.