YOU WAS NOT A GOOD MOM

Im sorry , if you ever read this , but I have to get these things out. I am my own therapy. I write to get out my pain. So many things I don’t understand .so many things I am confused about so many things I wonder why. As a child I thought it was happy times. I was too young to understand anything that was going on around me. I never understood why we had to be outside all the time and why so many times we were not allowed in the house. I never understood why when my dad would take me home on Sundays afternoon if I’m staying the night at his house you weren’t home when he dropped me off or tried to. I will have to go to my godmother’s house. Where were you mom? Why wasn’t I able to reach you.? Where was my siblings at that time? How come no one answered the door? So many things you fucked up on. It hurt my heart to know you did drugs. I cried because I thought you were the perfect mom. I do understand that times were harder for you than they are now for me as a mother in my time and age. But I feel like you could’ve made better choices. I started this blog to help myself so I don’t have to pay for therapy. I cry as a type and think about the things that I’ve been through as a child. I love to wake up in the morning and take my kids to school. So many days and so many times I remember you not even being near me going on my bus or coming home. Before going to the school with the bus We always walk to school. And if we missed the bus we were in trouble. But you always had a car I don’t understand mom how come you didn’t take us to school. Did you ever wonder if something would happen to us on the way to school.? Did you ever think that we did anything wrong or anything wrong what happened while we were in school?

Why didn’t you not tell me earlier that Curtis was not my real father. Why did you send me to be around a man and his family knowing he was not my real father? I don’t understand. I am so confused. You wait until I was 12 and my godmother pressures you so much to tell the truth. I met my father at 12 years old I was in the fifth grade. I’ll never forget the day you dress me up did my hair put only me in the car not my siblings to take me on a ride just me and you. I’ll never forget it you say the guy that you’ve been going to and being around is not your real father. You’re going to your real father house now. I was so shock in the back of my car. I didn’t understand what that meant. What do you mean these people are not my family. What do you mean that’s not my real father? How can you say that. I love those people. They were the only nice things that were happening. We went over there quite a lot. I don’t understand. Why would you lie to me? The sad part is you drop me off as if everything was truly OK. You did not like this man at all you kept me away from him for a reason. You didn’t walk me into the house or go the door to see what was behind the door when I walked in. Didn’t stay there with me for the first time while meeting this guy. Do you have any idea what that experience was like for me? you was not a good mom.

My experience was so horrible with my father that you became the angel in my eyes. I will be around this man who was my father and continue to still go to the other family who I thought was my father. How confusing is that. You told me that this people are not my family. But yet you did not tell them that they are not my family. It was me and other people that had to tell them that I had a different dad. So sad. You didn’t care about us. I feel like we were not important to you. I feel like you fucked up on so many things while raising us in those 12 years that I live with you. I didn’t know what to do with when I got my period . For some reason I remember that day was the day that we were packing up to move to Florida. Getting my period for the first time I remember you walking out of the bathroom and I was sitting on the stairs. I think I went to pee after you and blood started to come out into the toilet and I just look so confused. I think it was my older sister that explain to me about pads and gave me one to put in my panties and life went on. I didn’t know what boobs were when I first grown them. I didn’t know why boys were running around and smack my butt I didn’t know that was back there. You didn’t teach me how to be a woman or or a lady or a girl. I thank God no one snatched me and took me or hurt me in any other way. I feel like many things could’ve went wrong during the time that I live with you but didn’t. You tell us that our stepfather used to touch and sniff on my sister’s underwear. Why did you stay with him so long and have two children with him if you knew so. Why did you put yourself in so many dangerous situation with so many stupid men. Why were you into drugs. Why aren’t you strong enough to stop? Why did you not get us back? Do you realize because you were not a strong woman and your relationship that all your daughters have been in abusive relationships. Do you care that we have all been in abusive relationships. Do you care that any of us could’ve been seriously hurt. Do you care that we stayed and didn’t know what to do because that’s what we were used to and what we seen growing up.

You are not a good mom. What were you doing when we were in a group home? Where were you when we were being put in different foster homes? Why were you not calling and checking on us and finding out where we were? Why was your life more important than ours?

Why weren’t you there to make sure we had clean clothes and food to eat? Why weren’t you there doing our hair and make sure we look OK to go to school? Why weren’t you the one who trained and made sure that I knew how to become a woman? Why did you send me off to this man who you know was a horrible person?

I don’t know you. I’m 30 years old and I don’t know you. I’ve always had your phone number and contact in my phone and I still don’t know you.. I remember all the birthdays I will wait at the table for you to call. While living with my dad the only important thing to me was you. I was that child that wanted to eventually be back with their mom. I thought that I will only be with him temporarily and you will come get me. I thought I will be back with my siblings by now. But it never happened. Where were you? Why did you leave us? What were you doing? How come you never came back? Why did you never come back for me? That is the real question. My other siblings live with you from time to time in and out. But it seems like I’ve never had the chance to really be back around you. No one fought for me. No one came for me. Everyone knew I was not happy and no one wanted me. You were not a good mom.

As an adult and a mother of three kids and dealing with the things that I have been through I can understand why you did some of the things that you did but what I can’t understand is why we were not so important to you. Did you not care about us as much because we look like the men to you? do you not care because They were abusive to you right? They put you on drugs right?

I don’t blame you for everything but I believe you were no longer a good mom and my eyes I have so much pain anxiety confusion hurt because of you which is where it all started still going. I can’t find a good relationship to save my life. I don’t know what a good relationship looks like. I’ve been around men and women who abused and hurt and argued the whole time my whole life. I only know what normal look like if it comes from TV. My whole life has been a fantasy of what TV is and what TV shows about relationship. what it should be. Isn’t that sad. I don’t know what real love is. Isn’t it sad. that I don’t know what a real family is.

Again I’m sorry if you end reading this and it hurts you but why you were all living your life your children were going through things so at the end of the day I feel you deserve to hear the truth of how we feel we are not wrong for feeling how we feel because these are the feelings you left us with. I hope to one day get to you and you can truly explain why we were left behind. I want to know why you blame me for the trouble that I went through while living with my dad.saying”I choose to go with him” as if I had a choice.

How do you open your mouth and say those things? How do you tell my siblings that it is my fault that I went through what I went through at my dad’s house. You weren’t there. You weren’t around to help. You didn’t do your job as a mother and I got stuck with him. You didn’t check and make sure that it was OK for me to be around him knowing that he was a bad person before I was born. Did you know that my dad sexually molested my little sister. My dad did cocaine and will have many different personalities very bipolar narcissistic man one day he was happy the next day super mad and everyone in the house got in trouble for so many things we didn’t do. We were constantly on punishment. Nothing made him happy. He was always upset. Now knowing what drugs are and what they do. I tried to wonder when the times he was OK and normal is that the time that he was on drugs? Does drugs make you feel happier? When he wasn’t able to get the drugs or didn’t do the drugs is that why he was upset? Or was the drugs and the reason he was upset and when he was a happy man was the times that he wasn’t on the drug? I don’t know . All I do know is …….. You are not a good mom.

You have always had my phone number you never checked on me as often as you should there’s no way I can let my children be out not around me and not called him or text him and not know that they’re OK because I truly love my kids my kids means so much to me even though they came from and who abused me as well we were not important to you that is how you make me feel I was not important to you that is how you make me Feel.

I’m sorry mother if you want to read this but this is my way of therapy for free.

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Secret Abuser Private but Public

Have you ever try to hide being abused?… I have for years….I was 19. My father kicked me out. The guy I was talking to at the time was the only person that help me to figure out where to go…his house!. I was terrified. Honestly scared because I BEARLY knew him we talked for maybe three weeks before my dad attempt to kick me out once again. I called around to see who house I can go to. a couple family members and friends sadly he was my only source. When I first moved in with him I was uncomfortable only because it’s was him and his family… Who I NEVER MET before now. I didnt know he lived with his parents.

We slept in his room. Small space but better than where I was.. so I thought. A few weeks go by and that’s when it started. He became louder and scary. I would first watch him yell at his mother. Argue and puff up at his dad. I witness him push him mother in the backyard and call her a Bitch… I never knew what they would fight for all the time. They all spoke Spanish. BEARLY English at the time. Days go on and He started with me. yelling loud at me for small things I would do. We would go back n fourth about how I clean or eating certain things. Going to certain places. He would get very mad and storm off. 

After I graduated we moved to Gainesville FL. We managed to get our own apartment . my enstrage mother was the source for that. we stayed a day at her house to find apartments and then found one around the corner from her. Our first apartment. We would have conversation that soon pissed him off. At first he would always run away.. leave.. then he started to stayed… Stayed and hit the doors and walls. He was a buff man. Strong.

So of course walls and doors had holes everywhere. I was terrified I looked at the holes like wow that could be my face one day. I would cry in the bathroom thinking to myself where or what Can I do. But I literally had no where else to go. I didn’t talk to my family and my dad shunned me out and told my sibling not to be around me. Not to long after I walked across the stage and then moved to Gainesville . I soon found out I was pregnant with our first child.i kept getting dizzy and passing out in the shower. I dint know what was wrong at the time. he took me to my mothers and she took me to the hospital to be the first to know im prego. ….but things did’nt get better.. It wasn’t happy times…Things got worse.

He couldn’t find a job in Gainesville FL. He seemed freaked out and I think the fact that he was not around his family stressed him out and now he is pregnant and he couldn’t even get a job. so he decided to moved back with his parents and work with his dad . I could of stayed with my mother in Gainesville.. I could of got out I could off been free… but before I moved to Gainesville I seen my mother maybe three or four times after years and years apart. I didnt feel comfortable to live with her… I didnt know her or her moves. I was scared… I wanted to be back in Hollywood fl.where I was comfortable and familiar with.And in my head I’m thinking Im pregnant. I have to stay with the father I don’t want to do this alone. Also I haven’t been around my mother for years I was a foster child . So I went back to hallandale with him🤦🏽‍♀️

one time arguing in his room he got upset and punch me in the stomach … I was pregnant I think 3 or 4 months. Omg the pain that day! At that time I thought he didnt want the baby… maybe he did that to get ride of him…He immediately freaked out and ran off .he realized what he did… jumped in his red car and sped down the road. Even at that time with my mother he wanted me to stay with her. (I think he wanted out at that time). His mother came running in the room curious to what had just happened….she tryed to stop him from leaving but off he went for a few hours.I cried that night because the only thing I was worried about at that time was where was he. I was in his parents house that dont speak English and I knew no one. I felt so weird for me. he was the only person in the world I trusted at the time. even though… he just punched me.

He came back crying saying how sorry he was, how hell never do it again. … he held my stomach and cried. and it stopped for a few weeks. I was so sick when I was pregnant . My Body was not taking the change to well. I threw up so many times. big pools of throw up when I couldn’t make it to the bathroom. I was stress out so bad. I was scared to sleep every day. I did’nt know what the next day would be like.

A month later we moved out of his parent.He got a place down a few trailers from his parents. which was worse. Now we are in our own home and no one can see what he does behinds the doors. I felt like his parents always knew but would never say it. They spoke Spanish so I don’t know if they ever talk to him about it. I also knew his mother hated me for some reason.and would protect him no matter what. .I could just feel it. I feel like many arguments was about me but I never knew if he was defending me or is talking bad about me. I couldn’t talk to her because I did’nt know much Spanish and she did’nt know much English .

Living in our place was dark. we fought a lot. we both was stress . Being so young and new to it all. At 6 months I had our first son. Early 25weeks..I had an infection .The doctor said that could have made him come early. But I knew it was from the stress and pain I was enduring each day. he didn’t come home right away because he was premature . So five months in the hospital. Five months living alone and stress that our son is in the hospital. I didn’t work ,I was home. he wanted me to stay home and take care of our son. We would fight over the house.. cleaning and fixing it.we stayed in a trailer that came with issues that needed to be fix. but not knowing our son would come early nothing was prepared. we didnt even have anything for him yet.

When we baught the place he promised to fix the things wrong in it before our son was born. He was early but yet in the hospital so he had time. He would get upset and I could see the fire in his eyes. after me asking and asking to get things fix. I started doing things on my own. I painted the house to give it a nice look. put up pictures and things .. He would get loud and cream in such a deep voice. . Call me names. Everything about me he hated… He would talk crap about everything I did. I was not a real woman and mother in his eyes. I didn’t clean right, cook right, be a mom right! We would argue over everything he didn’t agree with.he only knew of one way . His mothers way. Im American so my way was stupid to him most of the times.

I would try to defend myself by arguing back until he put me up against the walls, chocking me so hard I could BEARLY breath. He would punch holes next to my face while chocking me. … One time he drag me off the bed by my braids. He had me against the wall in the living room right next to the door. Yelling at me with rage and chocking me. I called his father but would say nothing . His dad rushed over and broke down the door. He open the door to see his son holding me up on the wall… He got him off then forced him to leave… His father would always look at me like .he knew and was so srry. 😔 But he would tell me basically you have to deal with it for the kids… Told me the kids need us … So I stayed… And it continue.

it was so hard to me to be around .. the family events knowing that they knew but know one was helping he or me. For five years I lived with him separated from my family. All I had was him. We had so many holes in our house. I would get pictures and use them, ugly flower pictures big enough to hide the truth. His friends or my friends would come over. I didn’t want no one to know. it was embarrassing to me and the proof led to questions. I never even thought that other woman may be dealing with it. or if they saw the holes would they know right away why they were there and call the cops. Once my mom visit and I wanted to tell her so bad… I made it seem to the world I was so happy and engaged and ok .I would post pictures and when I had one good moment I was speak on it. no one knew my big secret. Twice I called the cops but hung up scared.. what would happen am I ready for him to go to jail? 

I was punch..dragged..chocked.. hair pulled … he push me into walls. a few times my son witness him put me against the walls and he cryed. and yelled at his dad. He grabbed him and threw him in the room. He would Screamed so close to my face I would get spit on me. I was little 100 lbs he was bigger than me I didn’t know how to react at first..what to do. The last time I grabbed a knife. I knew he was coming for me so I started to plan things. I grabbed a knife and started yelling back.. I threaten to hurt him if he came closer. Another fight I called his dad and he rushed over got him out before he got to me this time. sometimes he would leave and go to his moms and be so up in rage that she would come check on me. but I never knew if she was checking on me or was she just being nosey and had a story to tell. Here I am a young mother and she watched as her son got so angry with me. sometimes she was tell me to just do what he asked. I felt I needed to fight for my self. The things I knew and grew up on I fought to keep. I at times did want it to work because we had children. but that had passed and he wasn’t ready. he wanted out. He cheated on me a couple times. once I caught him and told the lady he is married. The second Lady I seen it as a way out. I didnt fight this time. I asked him and he choose her over me of course.. I was hurt for two seconds but then I thought THANK GOD! IM FREE… really free.. he wants to leave . I feel like he wanted an out from being a dad with a child who may be sick. or he just didnt want the whole family thing . he wanted someone else older more mature. that could take care of him. … I was scared at first. But happy I didn’t have to deal with him anymore. Two kids, five years of abuse and he left me . I never had the balls to leave … If he didn’t cheat n leave me I would have been with him still….

We had a third child… But I refused to have anymore kids with him. (A year before he left) we had an abortion. He wasn’t ok with the first two he didn’t want kids really so I felt he hated me for his life changing… But the third he wanted🤔… I choose to have an abortion I didn’t tell anyone and I just thought I can not have another baby with this man I dont care what any one say. Two years later we are in divorce court. I haven’t seen him to much since I moved away. he told me I could stay in the trailer. but we stayed there five years rat infested and you never fixed anything. so I sold it. was stupid gave him half the money and I moved out to a small apartment.

We had a huge fight once at my new place . My sisters started a bunch of shit with his new girl . which caused him to be madder and fight for the kids in court. .. we had so many court dates. and that was the only time I seen him. The first time I sat across from him seeing him at the tables to discuss things . something was trigger and I had a panic attack. I had to say out loud what had happen to me . To see if the court would understand why im so afraid of him. he put me through so much and not many people knew out loud that I was abused . The divorce lady looked at me and asked questions… I couldn’t talk he was right there! So she took me to another room. There I told her I was scared ..scared to talk because he use to hurt me. I could see the fire in his eyes . His Eyes always talk for him. Telling someone else .. just does something to you. It let out emotions u didn’t know where there… I would cry in the bathroom everyday living with him. I had panic attack’s often. I hated myself and everything about me felt so ugly… U think it’s love ,you think it’s right. Until it stop and u understand it’s not ok. I didnt know a lot of things was wrong. I soon did and realize that was not love. I know that man never loved me there is no way.

Abuse is not love and Abuse comes in many forms . People hurt you when they think they saved you. they use you as a punching to make them feel powerful. I thank god that lady took him from me. It was my only way out. I feel so sorry for her because I know what goes on behind close doors! I know he will or has treated her bad. she doesn’t smile anymore. that bad bitch she thought she was is no more and im sure she wish she never gave him any attention.

I Don’t trust people!

I’m pretty sure “I don’t trust people” is a very popular line. But I don’t.” I do not trust people”. People lye more than anything in the world. People are good at lying. Some people become better at lying they are telling the truth. I don’t trust people. I have horrible anxiety when I’m around new people anxiety anxiety anxiety. If I’m dating someone I’m always questioning everything they do. I question every sentence they say. I try to understand if they have good intentions or bad. And that is what my world has came to.

It’s pouring down raining as I am typing my blog and I’m trying to understand is it rainy because this is the feeling that I am feeling today. Of course not. The rain has nothing to do with my feelings. But it should. Because I’m constantly feeling like I am crying or drowning inside. I wonder sometimes when will it all be over. why are we put here just to go through so much crap. I am not a bad person why do bad things happen to me. I just want to be OK and left alone. I don’t want any more lying men or women to be around me.

From mother father to siblings I have been hurt in the worst ways. Can you tell me that you have only been hurt by the people who are related to you. Why is that. How come blood is not thicker than water in reality. People you know can treat you better than your own family. But people you know who’s not family can also treat you worse. To me it is bizarre that you do not know.

My trust level is very low I don’t trust anyone and wouldn’t put it past me I don’t believe everybody and the things that they tell me. I need you to show me actions. I am not just going along. Anymore. It is so hard.

I hate when I become vulnerable and trust people and they stab they stab me in the back. Why? is the question I always ask. Why am I the frog at everyone’s party. Sometimes I feel like I have a big sign on my forehead that says this girl right here is the girl that you can get over on. People see how nice I am, and then take it and destroy me. I’ll rather be left alone in my own bubble. My heart cannot take anymore. But yet I cannot let it go. It is very hard for me to move on. When people hurt me. I am always asking myself why. What did I do to deserve it? Why did they do this to me? Very hard for me to trust people when the people who are supposed to love you and care for you.they are the ones that hurt you. We are supposed to trust the ones that we were born into. But it is very hard to.

I don’t trust people.

Standing for what u believe is right!

When your fighting for something that you feel strongly about you do stupid things. If your trying to get your point heard and or your way . You make sure no matter what is thrown at you … you stand tall.

No matter what is taken from you… you stand tall. If what you doing will lead you in jail you still stand tall and fight for what you believe in.

But is it worth it? Your fighting for a change or your rights. Is it worth it?

Im sitting here and after a huge debate i stood strong for something I’m truly not ok with. im a feminist and stand for no bullshit that woman have to deal with.

Women are always judge off rip. We are looked at as not able be handle to run the world, operate a business . All the way down to “you don’t know how to use the tools !” and i see it as total bull! For a female that has been boyish my whole life i refuse to be told i can’t do something because i don’t look strong enough or that i will know how to use the tool.

When we are in relationship men have the tendency to want their way with everything. Some men are very controlling when it come to how perfect they want you. Some men can control you by helping you with things and because you need what ever you have to deal with the string’s attached.

Is it worth not doing something if your not happy doing it? Would you not take that job that could make you lots of money because a guy laugh and said you cant handle it ?

Do you not marry this rich man anymore because he also want you to lose 150 lbs and stay home don’t work.

Are we supposed to say yes sir and keep it going. Sometimes most time we feel like we have to. We have no choice. But I’m human just like you i have a choice .

Its my choice to run the world one day . My choice to get that job they say only men do. My choice if i want to lose 150 lbs and my choice if I don’t want to get married n choose to be happy with me and not with u.

What i am losing is a lot and i will have to start all the way over. But . Ill be happy. Because i stood tall won my fight . Although i may be alone…i still can do what i think no one should say “you cant “ or “YOUR NOT ALLOWED”

House on fire!

I never thought about why this happen to me. I never even tried to figured it out. but the more and more I look at my anxiety and how it affects me…I goes back quite a few years. I think I’ve had anxiety since I was a child. it has always been apart of me.

I remember as a kid I would have these bad dreams. horrible… for a long time it would be one dream and I guess after that fear is over I would move on to another dream that would repeat itself. as a kid I would have these dreams of our house getting broken into. each time I had this dream I ended up in the same place hiding and the same story would play . I would have a dream of our house getting broken into. two men would come in with mask. I don’t remember anything up to me being under the table. im always hiding under the table. as im under there I would here my sibling screaming. I would hear gun shots. lot of running around but all while i’m under the table with my eyes close and I hear all these things going on. eventually I do get found but each time i’m found I wake up. it seems like the more I have the dream im trying to find out what is happening and should I help. but I never move same dream.

until this day I have the fear of someone breaking into my home. I never live alone because of it.

house on fire dream! this dream is more realistic. I say that because I always dove out my bed thinking my house was on fire. it was seem so real! I would wake up to some type of fog in the house and when I say wake up I mean jumping up in panic mode! many time I fell to the floor wrapped in the blanket trying to get to the fire. I would really think I smell fire. and I would really see smoke………but each time I get to the kitchen which is where I always think its coming from I would rush around and see there is no fire. I would see there is no smoke .. no fog. my head my eye playing tricks on me.

I have this over worry about my house catching on fire.it would always be the same dream. the same way. I have frighten many boyfriends with this….. most times I just say bad dream…

can you imagine sleeping over to a guy house and you jump outta bed at HIS HOUSE THINKING ITS ON FIRE! Embarrassing for sure. I would never explain anything. I would just leave… but soon realize the dream follows me and its not just my house… its a fear of me waking up in a house on fire.

My anxiety has been in my dreams for years.

so you can problem know right off rip that being candle maker is kinda… the wrong field for me haha im worried all the time about leaving my candle cooker on to high. the first time I turned my little one on it smoked a lot it took me about a month to use it again. I got another thinking that was bad. but its all cool.

I haven’t had the house on fire dream in a couple months.

how can I stop them all together? does anyone else have dreams like this? or am I the only one????????

Fate..what are you destine to do?

Do you ever think about your fate? what are you suppose to do in life? or even how you may die?

I try to not think about that moment yet I can’t seem to get it out my head… but before I get to the bad..lets talk about the good.

I seem to always be connected to sad people. people that need help and or an ear ….I connect to people that have a hard time in life… and I think that is so because I am the most understanding person. to me …everything happens for a reason and to me all leads up to where you should be in life. I hurt so bad in my life and I always have the answer why… to have a person who can sit and talk to you and help you understand why you went through what you did is all a person need sometimes. to put your self in someone else shoes and see what they see.

not only going by your thoughts and feelings for that person.

see my boyfriends never liked me because I always took the other side…if a person is wrong they are wrong I do not attend to hurt people for no reason. if someone is actively coming for you its because you started it and its your fault .most times and i’m the one stopping the drama and trying to make them see why there are in the position in the first place.

i’m more open minded to things very nice person… but people can see that as very bad and annoying…. to be liked everywhere u go can make people jealous and to get things others wanted they whole life can get people mad. but its who you are as a person. and if you choose to be a cool human being…less troubles for you.

I think im here to keep peace and help… I try my best to raise my kids the way I live life so they won’t have troubling lives…

as far as my fate………..I won’t speak of it… I strongly believe in those things so if I write it down… I feel It may come true…and that is not what i’m ready to face. what are you good at? what is your destiny?

what do you think you are meant to do on this earth. in reality I could have a huge group of friends but the way everyone brain works…I won’t be as they call cool… I see things so different its runs most away.

one person …listening to me.. change my whole thing. knowing I wasn’t crazy and someone agreed… or knew what I was talking about …made me open up so much more. and not feel lost anymore or like I did’nt fit in. I no longer hold it in and I no longer care about the judgement after. I choose to only be around those who are ok truly with being around me.

I bottled it up for to long!

See… the things … I didn’t cut you off just because of the most recent activities.. I blocked you completely out my life because all you done since we so called made up was follow me around and use me ..talk down and bad about me and my kids… you try to give advice or TELL ME what I should be doing with my life… when your stuck just as bad and your stuck in the same spot for years unhappy! AT least I kept trying to leave my situations and fix myself and things around me. when you don’t even have the fuckin balls to try and move on!

You tell me how to raise my children but your is the most disrespectful little girls I ever met. you tell me how to go about my life with my relationship but as long as I known you ..you have never even had one man at a time!. and uses the one you have for a safety net while you live your life on the side. you run to each place I lay my head to bring your side pieces and just assumed that is ok and normal with me and my children in the next room.

I never liked you as a child because u don’t have any respect for your self or the guys you dated… I hated to get to know the boys you dated because I always felt bad about how u was doing them wrong.then blah them for everything.i hated going to the same school as you because people would talk about you and see the things you did and come ask me questions…

I hated you as a child because In our fathers eyes you done no wrong. and he tortured me because you was untouchable because he did’nt want you to ever tell about him touching you.

For years and years I was disowned..talk about rumors spreader about me for something I DID’NT ACUTALLY DO..but yet u did it .. you was doing what every one thought I was doing before I even met you!….which I know now is the reason none of you ever came to me to talk about it or help me or speak up. Im soooo fucking annoyed ! everyone in this family is blinded by shit. no one tell the truth about each other. no one likes each other .we all only come around when we need something from the others…. and pretend everything is all cool.

I open up to you to try to trust you and the one thing that was personal to me and destroyed me as a girl you was ready to tell asap! and soon as we stop talking you ran to our father to tell him these things so he can hurt me…

I don’t fuck with you because you have put my life in danger with your sexual acts.never said sorry. I don’t forgive you because you never acknowledge what you did wrong because then your baby daddy will know all the things you done.

I don’t respect you as a person..sister..or woman.

you have time and time again hurt me and i’m done!

This is a shocked to you maybe because I have never told you I felt about any incident. I bottled up my feelings and pain time and time over to protect you.. I never spoke to you because I did’nt want to get to that line with you… I knew once I finally spoke up about it I was done with you. I knew once I told you how much I hated you I was done with you!

so now i’m done..done..done.done..done.. your not worth getting shot for..lying for.fighting for…helping..your such a mean curl as human being and i’m done! idgaf what family event we both have to attend…(I might not be invited ever because princess boo hoo you!) but if I am I will attend if I attend just know that you have no right to speak to me and I don’t owe you shit! and I don’t care about nothing other then how you treated me in the las5, 6 years… you cause me issues that I to this day still deal with!

so…FUCK OFF!

Dont give it up its never over!

Hello ! Im skye ! I am a candle maker. I create home made non toxic candles base around mental health. I love what i do and i want to be a voice. I have anxiety. Anxiety is something that takes control sometimes but in 2019 i got to understand what it is and why i am the way i am. Learning more more about my disorder helped me to be ok with who i an. Knowing I’m not the only one, that help me to be ok with who i am. 

So in the beginning of 2022 i started to make candles. Started as a healing process for me and just to see if i can do it and then i began to like it and thought what if i create candles with empowering quotes. Make candles that explains how we feel on the inside and much more. I have goals i have plans i really want this to work.

I am always on the computer and finding ways that i can get my products known . 

I cant stop now and i cant give up because its someone out there who needs to wake up to a candle saying “its ok” or a candles that say mental health bad days isn’t everyday! 

In my town there are farmers markets that i can attend that i can put my products out there and give back to the world be a voice help those like me.

But i need help i need help to get the supplies to start at the market. I need tables and table cloths etc.. so i come to the world i come to the world to help me . Please donate $1 or more to private thoughts candle collections! Help me to help us ! 

One small donation and I promise to take lots of pictures when i do my first vendor day. Im looking to sell every weekend sat snd Sundays. Once i get the supplies in place i will contact them to get a spot. $150 a week but the goal is to sell everything i make and get it all back and give it all back!

My goal is not to just take from anyone my goal is to get help and repay back. So please donate $1 or more to my cash app . Help private thoughts grow and help be apart of a change in some one life!

🙏

Scan QQ code to donate. Also can use my number 7866634463 for zell. any and everything is much appreciated .

Working so hard… how was your day?

Im not blogging like i use to. I will find the time to do so again. I have been working really hard to start up my moving company. day and night on the internet. My next step is to get insurance for the company and worker’s compensation for the employees.

I enjoy having a vision about things. Putting it into the light is the hard part. So after spending so many days working on that . I gave it a break. And bounce back to my candle company. Private thoughts candle collections. I have an online store i hand make candles at home. But for me to keep on with my moving company i need funds for it. So here i am up all day and night finding ways to get my candle business out there.

I enjoy making candles and my goal is to get enough bought to buy mire material. Now my goal is to sell more to get more material and pay for my company insurance for the moving company. Hey if you have good ideals and places that i can advertise for free please let me know.

I just added my candles to google search last night at 1 am. Now im sooo fired and i have to get my kids ready for school.

Yes school and yes its summer. Bit two of the tree of my boys go to summer school. So i try to work all day and then be present at night but lord let me tell you working from home is no walk in the park!

But i have goals I believe both companies can work. I just have to work har first to get them out there. My goal is to be able to leave the living company to my sons . I want them to have something when they get older. I want to train them into it and let them take over it one day. I see that for sure! I love them and only think of them so goal goals goals people!

Life is hard and most times i am discouraged but if i stay away from this who discouraged me I believe in myself and i work hard at it!

Dont give up on your small business. Find your passion and funds and get it going! Work to provide for your company until your company is running its self.

Dont change shit stick to your story!

Have a blessed day guys!

Pain….of lost

I had many people pass away …many with in my life…but never have it been someone I actually was close to and treated me good… to think or feel this pain come across my chest thinking i may lose you is horrible . Never have i felt it before. This instance stab to the heart…feels like im getting pain from all around my chest.

Never had i have such a person in my life…to think of losing you will break me…

Please be strong for me and please come back home to me… i need you more than ever. You are my emotional connection. I love u so much sitting in this hospital waiting for you to come back to me…..

Roller coaster feelings..

Some days I truly feel empty… I don’t feel or have the energy to do anything . I feel so lost and heavy. I ask my self many questions like what I am doing in life right now.

Some day I have great energy and Im super bouncy and love everything and everyone I can do any job and I can be anywhere….

I hate not being my self. Not having that energy to clean shop create. Pushing myself to keep going. It’s like my mind just go blank. My feelings just go dead and no smile is upon my face anymore.

I want to be more into life again… I don’t know if I’m more depress because I’m alone most days. I don’t have close friends who visit me or family members who hang around…

So me trying to figure out why am I so sad and depressed all the time… I feel stuck.. I feel unhappy. I’m not happy where I am in life right now. I feel like I’m not in charge of my life once again….

I’m not able to do what I want that keeps me happy or makes me happy . I always find myself stuck…and trying to be someone else for someone else and I don’t like it.

I’ll be in lala land and i get caught up in life when I am in Situations where I enjoy something that is new to me and great at the moment….but then

I see it… I see how I am stuck I see how I am bein changed and I see how I am being controlled…… and I don’t like it… and each day I think how can I get outta it .

It made me go back into a hole it made me rethink myself again …I’m lost again… back down and stuck..

Feelings are all over the place

Depression settling in…

I never watch the news as much as I do today . I didn’t like to because it freaks me out and makes me want to hide in my home. Not knowing so much keeps me living life.

But omg hard to not watch. You see one killing then another and another and another… so many people and kids dies in the last month.

I feel myself being less motivated and slowly getting sad…I have no one around me to keep me out this mood entirely. I’m around a person that constantly talk about how horrible the world is ..which makes more panicking

Let just breath….breath and relax… breath breath and relax…..

Kids aren’t ment to be perfect

This is a subject I wanted to speak about because I notice parent put a lot of pressure on their kids now days.

Kids are not allowed to be kids and just have fun.

Kids are being groomed to work and care for their parents…

But what about the kid? Is that there life purpose to start work at age 13 or younger….16 or younger to get jobs and pay their parents bills or work and pay half?

Parent raise kids to be one thing in life which is whatever they want their child to be …

Even as kids normal kids tryin to play and just be normal… they get yelled at and told not to make noise not to sit that way not to put those in the sink….! It’s to much. They are kids. They will be loud! They are kids they will throw things in the sink… pre on the toilet and fuck up all the time.

THEY ARE KIDS.! They are only thinking or toys and sugar! Friends and homework … they forget a lot of things because it’s not important to them… they don’t deserve punishment for everything….harsh punishment for not eating… why force a kid to eat things they don’t like. They may really think is nasty. We yell at our kids to eat things we don’t even eat. Or to stop doing things that we do.

I’m not saying let your kids be free but learn how to be ok with them messing up. Remember they are learning. They weren’t born with all this information they are learning everyday and so are you!

I honestly feel bad for kids when I see them so unhappy about small things… we have to learn to breath let them enjoy life as they learn find fun way to make them eat things or do things❤️💙

DID YALL SEE THESE AWSOME CANDLE I CAME ACROSS!

These candle are hand poured and created with love. They come in soy and paraffin wax. many different colors ! you have to try. I love mines set up in my room. they make my side table look so good and the smell come off the candles.

Best candle to give as a gift for a special someone.

What color is your bedroom or living room? grab two o four of private thoughts candle and use as decoration !!

choose what you desire at

http://www.privatethoughtsccs.com

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http://www.privatethoughtsccs.com

Private thoughts candle collection

Awsome owner to privatethoughtsccs. I enjoy making candles. At first it was difficult until I found which was I’m best at! Many way to make candles so find which one suit you! I create my collection from this blog. How fun to have a candle collection.

My house always smell like all kinds of scents! I truly enjoy putting color and decorations to the candles. I started with paraffin and soy wax . Now I am using only pillar soy wax. I do still have many paraffin wax candle waiting to sell!

Getting organized and learning which way I wanted to go with the candles was the hardest part but now that I have more self control over everything I make list and keep track of everything.

So please check out my candles at http://www.privatethoughtsccs.com

ENJOY!

Body candle
Middle finger candle

Does …..scare you?????

Does DEATH scare you? How often do you think about dying? How often do you wonder if there is a god or devil heaven or hell?

We don’t all talk about it… but with the way my anxiety is I’m always thinking about how that person just died and left everything. Or what they last saw before they died?

Do you ever think about where you want to be when it’s your time? Do you ever think about how u want to be buried and casket or burn to ashes?

I’m terrified to leave earth. I don’t know what I believe as far as heaven and hell. It’s nothing we can physically see now so hard to tell if it’s true real or not but it’s also just a belief other people think of other god and such!

What do you want to wear? Hair? Color? Nails? Never thought of it.

I watch a lot of crime tv shows and documentaries and hate to see people dying from hun shots to the face or being rape then drowned…. I would hate to pass in a horrific way😳😣😣 I love my kids so much I might die twice one again when I land where ever because I’m no longer with my boys😣😣😣.

Do you ever think of death???????

New color candles coming soon!

The best part about making candles is the creation not your own ideals. To blend colors together or to add pretty flowers and decorations to the candles.

I really enjoy seeing how it comes out . And with my anxiety I always worry about what people would think of them. I have some candles that are so bright and pretty. Some candles I create thinking to make for others and what they like.but I love the light bright colors!!

$8.50 Bubble candles

I really enjoy the process. It’s very time consuming because you do have to wait until the wax cook to a certain temp and you have to wait until it cool off to a certain temp so that part is stressful for me and in the beginning I was impatient but learned the reason why you need to wait and now I do thing while waiting that way I’m not just look at the temperature stick. So I go make labels or view and edit my shop

My little set up which is a lot bigger now

Honestly finding the rights scents that people like I have not got down yet. So please comment your favorite candle scents!!

Using my heat gun to get a nice clean finish before taking it out the molds

There I used aquarium blue and a regular blue. I didn’t use too many color chips for the blue because the aquarium blue was a light color as well . So here I’m making an ombré bubble candle. Some have glitter on the top .

CANT WAIT TO SEE HOW THEY TURN OUT!

You can find these candles at http://www.privatethoughtsccs.com