Secret Abuser Private but Public

Have you ever try to hide being abused?… I have for years….I was 19. My father kicked me out. The guy I was talking to at the time was the only person that help me to figure out where to go…his house!. I was terrified. Honestly scared because I BEARLY knew him we talked for maybe three weeks before my dad attempt to kick me out once again. I called around to see who house I can go to. a couple family members and friends sadly he was my only source. When I first moved in with him I was uncomfortable only because it’s was him and his family… Who I NEVER MET before now. I didnt know he lived with his parents.

We slept in his room. Small space but better than where I was.. so I thought. A few weeks go by and that’s when it started. He became louder and scary. I would first watch him yell at his mother. Argue and puff up at his dad. I witness him push him mother in the backyard and call her a Bitch… I never knew what they would fight for all the time. They all spoke Spanish. BEARLY English at the time. Days go on and He started with me. yelling loud at me for small things I would do. We would go back n fourth about how I clean or eating certain things. Going to certain places. He would get very mad and storm off. 

After I graduated we moved to Gainesville FL. We managed to get our own apartment . my enstrage mother was the source for that. we stayed a day at her house to find apartments and then found one around the corner from her. Our first apartment. We would have conversation that soon pissed him off. At first he would always run away.. leave.. then he started to stayed… Stayed and hit the doors and walls. He was a buff man. Strong.

So of course walls and doors had holes everywhere. I was terrified I looked at the holes like wow that could be my face one day. I would cry in the bathroom thinking to myself where or what Can I do. But I literally had no where else to go. I didn’t talk to my family and my dad shunned me out and told my sibling not to be around me. Not to long after I walked across the stage and then moved to Gainesville . I soon found out I was pregnant with our first child.i kept getting dizzy and passing out in the shower. I dint know what was wrong at the time. he took me to my mothers and she took me to the hospital to be the first to know im prego. ….but things did’nt get better.. It wasn’t happy times…Things got worse.

He couldn’t find a job in Gainesville FL. He seemed freaked out and I think the fact that he was not around his family stressed him out and now he is pregnant and he couldn’t even get a job. so he decided to moved back with his parents and work with his dad . I could of stayed with my mother in Gainesville.. I could of got out I could off been free… but before I moved to Gainesville I seen my mother maybe three or four times after years and years apart. I didnt feel comfortable to live with her… I didnt know her or her moves. I was scared… I wanted to be back in Hollywood fl.where I was comfortable and familiar with.And in my head I’m thinking Im pregnant. I have to stay with the father I don’t want to do this alone. Also I haven’t been around my mother for years I was a foster child . So I went back to hallandale with him🤦🏽‍♀️

one time arguing in his room he got upset and punch me in the stomach … I was pregnant I think 3 or 4 months. Omg the pain that day! At that time I thought he didnt want the baby… maybe he did that to get ride of him…He immediately freaked out and ran off .he realized what he did… jumped in his red car and sped down the road. Even at that time with my mother he wanted me to stay with her. (I think he wanted out at that time). His mother came running in the room curious to what had just happened….she tryed to stop him from leaving but off he went for a few hours.I cried that night because the only thing I was worried about at that time was where was he. I was in his parents house that dont speak English and I knew no one. I felt so weird for me. he was the only person in the world I trusted at the time. even though… he just punched me.

He came back crying saying how sorry he was, how hell never do it again. … he held my stomach and cried. and it stopped for a few weeks. I was so sick when I was pregnant . My Body was not taking the change to well. I threw up so many times. big pools of throw up when I couldn’t make it to the bathroom. I was stress out so bad. I was scared to sleep every day. I did’nt know what the next day would be like.

A month later we moved out of his parent.He got a place down a few trailers from his parents. which was worse. Now we are in our own home and no one can see what he does behinds the doors. I felt like his parents always knew but would never say it. They spoke Spanish so I don’t know if they ever talk to him about it. I also knew his mother hated me for some reason.and would protect him no matter what. .I could just feel it. I feel like many arguments was about me but I never knew if he was defending me or is talking bad about me. I couldn’t talk to her because I did’nt know much Spanish and she did’nt know much English .

Living in our place was dark. we fought a lot. we both was stress . Being so young and new to it all. At 6 months I had our first son. Early 25weeks..I had an infection .The doctor said that could have made him come early. But I knew it was from the stress and pain I was enduring each day. he didn’t come home right away because he was premature . So five months in the hospital. Five months living alone and stress that our son is in the hospital. I didn’t work ,I was home. he wanted me to stay home and take care of our son. We would fight over the house.. cleaning and fixing it.we stayed in a trailer that came with issues that needed to be fix. but not knowing our son would come early nothing was prepared. we didnt even have anything for him yet.

When we baught the place he promised to fix the things wrong in it before our son was born. He was early but yet in the hospital so he had time. He would get upset and I could see the fire in his eyes. after me asking and asking to get things fix. I started doing things on my own. I painted the house to give it a nice look. put up pictures and things .. He would get loud and cream in such a deep voice. . Call me names. Everything about me he hated… He would talk crap about everything I did. I was not a real woman and mother in his eyes. I didn’t clean right, cook right, be a mom right! We would argue over everything he didn’t agree with.he only knew of one way . His mothers way. Im American so my way was stupid to him most of the times.

I would try to defend myself by arguing back until he put me up against the walls, chocking me so hard I could BEARLY breath. He would punch holes next to my face while chocking me. … One time he drag me off the bed by my braids. He had me against the wall in the living room right next to the door. Yelling at me with rage and chocking me. I called his father but would say nothing . His dad rushed over and broke down the door. He open the door to see his son holding me up on the wall… He got him off then forced him to leave… His father would always look at me like .he knew and was so srry. 😔 But he would tell me basically you have to deal with it for the kids… Told me the kids need us … So I stayed… And it continue.

it was so hard to me to be around .. the family events knowing that they knew but know one was helping he or me. For five years I lived with him separated from my family. All I had was him. We had so many holes in our house. I would get pictures and use them, ugly flower pictures big enough to hide the truth. His friends or my friends would come over. I didn’t want no one to know. it was embarrassing to me and the proof led to questions. I never even thought that other woman may be dealing with it. or if they saw the holes would they know right away why they were there and call the cops. Once my mom visit and I wanted to tell her so bad… I made it seem to the world I was so happy and engaged and ok .I would post pictures and when I had one good moment I was speak on it. no one knew my big secret. Twice I called the cops but hung up scared.. what would happen am I ready for him to go to jail? 

I was punch..dragged..chocked.. hair pulled … he push me into walls. a few times my son witness him put me against the walls and he cryed. and yelled at his dad. He grabbed him and threw him in the room. He would Screamed so close to my face I would get spit on me. I was little 100 lbs he was bigger than me I didn’t know how to react at first..what to do. The last time I grabbed a knife. I knew he was coming for me so I started to plan things. I grabbed a knife and started yelling back.. I threaten to hurt him if he came closer. Another fight I called his dad and he rushed over got him out before he got to me this time. sometimes he would leave and go to his moms and be so up in rage that she would come check on me. but I never knew if she was checking on me or was she just being nosey and had a story to tell. Here I am a young mother and she watched as her son got so angry with me. sometimes she was tell me to just do what he asked. I felt I needed to fight for my self. The things I knew and grew up on I fought to keep. I at times did want it to work because we had children. but that had passed and he wasn’t ready. he wanted out. He cheated on me a couple times. once I caught him and told the lady he is married. The second Lady I seen it as a way out. I didnt fight this time. I asked him and he choose her over me of course.. I was hurt for two seconds but then I thought THANK GOD! IM FREE… really free.. he wants to leave . I feel like he wanted an out from being a dad with a child who may be sick. or he just didnt want the whole family thing . he wanted someone else older more mature. that could take care of him. … I was scared at first. But happy I didn’t have to deal with him anymore. Two kids, five years of abuse and he left me . I never had the balls to leave … If he didn’t cheat n leave me I would have been with him still….

We had a third child… But I refused to have anymore kids with him. (A year before he left) we had an abortion. He wasn’t ok with the first two he didn’t want kids really so I felt he hated me for his life changing… But the third he wanted🤔… I choose to have an abortion I didn’t tell anyone and I just thought I can not have another baby with this man I dont care what any one say. Two years later we are in divorce court. I haven’t seen him to much since I moved away. he told me I could stay in the trailer. but we stayed there five years rat infested and you never fixed anything. so I sold it. was stupid gave him half the money and I moved out to a small apartment.

We had a huge fight once at my new place . My sisters started a bunch of shit with his new girl . which caused him to be madder and fight for the kids in court. .. we had so many court dates. and that was the only time I seen him. The first time I sat across from him seeing him at the tables to discuss things . something was trigger and I had a panic attack. I had to say out loud what had happen to me . To see if the court would understand why im so afraid of him. he put me through so much and not many people knew out loud that I was abused . The divorce lady looked at me and asked questions… I couldn’t talk he was right there! So she took me to another room. There I told her I was scared ..scared to talk because he use to hurt me. I could see the fire in his eyes . His Eyes always talk for him. Telling someone else .. just does something to you. It let out emotions u didn’t know where there… I would cry in the bathroom everyday living with him. I had panic attack’s often. I hated myself and everything about me felt so ugly… U think it’s love ,you think it’s right. Until it stop and u understand it’s not ok. I didnt know a lot of things was wrong. I soon did and realize that was not love. I know that man never loved me there is no way.

Abuse is not love and Abuse comes in many forms . People hurt you when they think they saved you. they use you as a punching to make them feel powerful. I thank god that lady took him from me. It was my only way out. I feel so sorry for her because I know what goes on behind close doors! I know he will or has treated her bad. she doesn’t smile anymore. that bad bitch she thought she was is no more and im sure she wish she never gave him any attention.

I Don’t trust people!

I’m pretty sure “I don’t trust people” is a very popular line. But I don’t.” I do not trust people”. People lye more than anything in the world. People are good at lying. Some people become better at lying they are telling the truth. I don’t trust people. I have horrible anxiety when I’m around new people anxiety anxiety anxiety. If I’m dating someone I’m always questioning everything they do. I question every sentence they say. I try to understand if they have good intentions or bad. And that is what my world has came to.

It’s pouring down raining as I am typing my blog and I’m trying to understand is it rainy because this is the feeling that I am feeling today. Of course not. The rain has nothing to do with my feelings. But it should. Because I’m constantly feeling like I am crying or drowning inside. I wonder sometimes when will it all be over. why are we put here just to go through so much crap. I am not a bad person why do bad things happen to me. I just want to be OK and left alone. I don’t want any more lying men or women to be around me.

From mother father to siblings I have been hurt in the worst ways. Can you tell me that you have only been hurt by the people who are related to you. Why is that. How come blood is not thicker than water in reality. People you know can treat you better than your own family. But people you know who’s not family can also treat you worse. To me it is bizarre that you do not know.

My trust level is very low I don’t trust anyone and wouldn’t put it past me I don’t believe everybody and the things that they tell me. I need you to show me actions. I am not just going along. Anymore. It is so hard.

I hate when I become vulnerable and trust people and they stab they stab me in the back. Why? is the question I always ask. Why am I the frog at everyone’s party. Sometimes I feel like I have a big sign on my forehead that says this girl right here is the girl that you can get over on. People see how nice I am, and then take it and destroy me. I’ll rather be left alone in my own bubble. My heart cannot take anymore. But yet I cannot let it go. It is very hard for me to move on. When people hurt me. I am always asking myself why. What did I do to deserve it? Why did they do this to me? Very hard for me to trust people when the people who are supposed to love you and care for you.they are the ones that hurt you. We are supposed to trust the ones that we were born into. But it is very hard to.

I don’t trust people.

Fate..what are you destine to do?

Do you ever think about your fate? what are you suppose to do in life? or even how you may die?

I try to not think about that moment yet I can’t seem to get it out my head… but before I get to the bad..lets talk about the good.

I seem to always be connected to sad people. people that need help and or an ear ….I connect to people that have a hard time in life… and I think that is so because I am the most understanding person. to me …everything happens for a reason and to me all leads up to where you should be in life. I hurt so bad in my life and I always have the answer why… to have a person who can sit and talk to you and help you understand why you went through what you did is all a person need sometimes. to put your self in someone else shoes and see what they see.

not only going by your thoughts and feelings for that person.

see my boyfriends never liked me because I always took the other side…if a person is wrong they are wrong I do not attend to hurt people for no reason. if someone is actively coming for you its because you started it and its your fault .most times and i’m the one stopping the drama and trying to make them see why there are in the position in the first place.

i’m more open minded to things very nice person… but people can see that as very bad and annoying…. to be liked everywhere u go can make people jealous and to get things others wanted they whole life can get people mad. but its who you are as a person. and if you choose to be a cool human being…less troubles for you.

I think im here to keep peace and help… I try my best to raise my kids the way I live life so they won’t have troubling lives…

as far as my fate………..I won’t speak of it… I strongly believe in those things so if I write it down… I feel It may come true…and that is not what i’m ready to face. what are you good at? what is your destiny?

what do you think you are meant to do on this earth. in reality I could have a huge group of friends but the way everyone brain works…I won’t be as they call cool… I see things so different its runs most away.

one person …listening to me.. change my whole thing. knowing I wasn’t crazy and someone agreed… or knew what I was talking about …made me open up so much more. and not feel lost anymore or like I did’nt fit in. I no longer hold it in and I no longer care about the judgement after. I choose to only be around those who are ok truly with being around me.

Working so hard… how was your day?

Im not blogging like i use to. I will find the time to do so again. I have been working really hard to start up my moving company. day and night on the internet. My next step is to get insurance for the company and worker’s compensation for the employees.

I enjoy having a vision about things. Putting it into the light is the hard part. So after spending so many days working on that . I gave it a break. And bounce back to my candle company. Private thoughts candle collections. I have an online store i hand make candles at home. But for me to keep on with my moving company i need funds for it. So here i am up all day and night finding ways to get my candle business out there.

I enjoy making candles and my goal is to get enough bought to buy mire material. Now my goal is to sell more to get more material and pay for my company insurance for the moving company. Hey if you have good ideals and places that i can advertise for free please let me know.

I just added my candles to google search last night at 1 am. Now im sooo fired and i have to get my kids ready for school.

Yes school and yes its summer. Bit two of the tree of my boys go to summer school. So i try to work all day and then be present at night but lord let me tell you working from home is no walk in the park!

But i have goals I believe both companies can work. I just have to work har first to get them out there. My goal is to be able to leave the living company to my sons . I want them to have something when they get older. I want to train them into it and let them take over it one day. I see that for sure! I love them and only think of them so goal goals goals people!

Life is hard and most times i am discouraged but if i stay away from this who discouraged me I believe in myself and i work hard at it!

Dont give up on your small business. Find your passion and funds and get it going! Work to provide for your company until your company is running its self.

Dont change shit stick to your story!

Have a blessed day guys!

Roller coaster feelings..

Some days I truly feel empty… I don’t feel or have the energy to do anything . I feel so lost and heavy. I ask my self many questions like what I am doing in life right now.

Some day I have great energy and Im super bouncy and love everything and everyone I can do any job and I can be anywhere….

I hate not being my self. Not having that energy to clean shop create. Pushing myself to keep going. It’s like my mind just go blank. My feelings just go dead and no smile is upon my face anymore.

I want to be more into life again… I don’t know if I’m more depress because I’m alone most days. I don’t have close friends who visit me or family members who hang around…

So me trying to figure out why am I so sad and depressed all the time… I feel stuck.. I feel unhappy. I’m not happy where I am in life right now. I feel like I’m not in charge of my life once again….

I’m not able to do what I want that keeps me happy or makes me happy . I always find myself stuck…and trying to be someone else for someone else and I don’t like it.

I’ll be in lala land and i get caught up in life when I am in Situations where I enjoy something that is new to me and great at the moment….but then

I see it… I see how I am stuck I see how I am bein changed and I see how I am being controlled…… and I don’t like it… and each day I think how can I get outta it .

It made me go back into a hole it made me rethink myself again …I’m lost again… back down and stuck..

Feelings are all over the place

Depression settling in…

I never watch the news as much as I do today . I didn’t like to because it freaks me out and makes me want to hide in my home. Not knowing so much keeps me living life.

But omg hard to not watch. You see one killing then another and another and another… so many people and kids dies in the last month.

I feel myself being less motivated and slowly getting sad…I have no one around me to keep me out this mood entirely. I’m around a person that constantly talk about how horrible the world is ..which makes more panicking

Let just breath….breath and relax… breath breath and relax…..

Does …..scare you?????

Does DEATH scare you? How often do you think about dying? How often do you wonder if there is a god or devil heaven or hell?

We don’t all talk about it… but with the way my anxiety is I’m always thinking about how that person just died and left everything. Or what they last saw before they died?

Do you ever think about where you want to be when it’s your time? Do you ever think about how u want to be buried and casket or burn to ashes?

I’m terrified to leave earth. I don’t know what I believe as far as heaven and hell. It’s nothing we can physically see now so hard to tell if it’s true real or not but it’s also just a belief other people think of other god and such!

What do you want to wear? Hair? Color? Nails? Never thought of it.

I watch a lot of crime tv shows and documentaries and hate to see people dying from hun shots to the face or being rape then drowned…. I would hate to pass in a horrific way😳😣😣 I love my kids so much I might die twice one again when I land where ever because I’m no longer with my boys😣😣😣.

Do you ever think of death???????

Be ok with who you are..

What is sad is I’m 31 years old . And my whole life I truly didn’t like myself. I didn’t understand why I looked a certain way. Things on my body truly bother me. I would hide myself somewhat. I didn’t know I had anxiety I never payed attention to why I felt uncomfortable around people or in crowds.i always felt like I didn’t belong where ever I was. I never felt wanted where ever I was.

So at the age 29 late 29 going on 30 during Covid I had lost my boyfriend he moved out and it was just me . Me and my kids . Me with all the decisions and thoughts on what to do and how to go about things.

I learned to be my true self. I learned to accept me for me. I learn to embrace my body accept my looks and put my self out there. While going through that process I finally felt those weird feelings for females means I’m gay. I also like boys so I’m bisexual. I said fuck it and started a dating online site. I got many conversations from women and many compliments . Which open me up more to be ok with what I was feeling.

I learned a lot of things I do in life on a daily basis to help other people or make people happy .i put my self in situations that was uncomfortable for me and had to learn to listen to myself. If it’s not something I want to do I need to say no. I need to not feel pressured to do these things.

I learned to not be around people who hurt me and my energy. Keep those away from me who are not truly on my side. Family friends people in general . If the energy is bad it for a reason and we don’t connect therefor I retreat and keep from you.

Blogging really helped me let go of things that held me down. Getting many painful feelings out here instead of giving the energy to those who do deserve it. I’m not a nasty person. I don’t wish pain on anyone. I truly love all and would help any if needed but when I’m treated bad I’m done.i protect mine.

And because I accept myself… it don’t allow anyone to hurt me because I got love full love for myself. I know I’m pretty kind and Awsome!

GIVING BULLETS TO HURT YOU

Have you ever told someone close to you some of your deepest secrets? Did you trust that person that you told those stories to? most of us do right? it will be a friend..or family member. that you gain that trust and feel like ok now I can finally let some of this shit out to someone. you carrie things in your head on your shoulder for so long right then to let it out to someone feels so great! and you think now you have a person that you can talk to how great does that feel right?

then you go hang out with other friends and other family members and someone blur out what you told that special person. either that laugh at you..look at you crazy…whisper or ever talk shit and yell it back at you ! 

WHAT GOES ON IN YOUR HEAD WHEN INFORMATION ABOUT YOU GET OUT! YOUR HELLA PISS YOUR LIKE WHY DID THEY TELL THIS OR THAT PERSON! HOW THE HELL DID THEY TELL SOMEONE ELSE AND NOT GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO TELL THEM? 

WHAT YOU ARE DOING WHEN YOU TELL YOUR SECRETS AND THOUGH TO PEOPLE IS GIVING THEM Ammunition BuLLETS FOR THEM TO USE AGAINST YOU. YOU MAY TELL SOMEONE SOMETHING THAT HURTS YOU BUT THAT PERSON THINK ITS A JOKE AND TELL OTHERS YOUR PAIN TO MAKE FUN OF YOU….

I LEARN TO NOT DO THAT NO MORE. IM NOT EXPRESSING WHY ANYTHING OR EVEN LETTING YOU IN MY BRAIN. IM NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT MY RELATION..STRESS..ANXIETY..GOOD TIME BAD TIME NOTHING NO MORE. FOR ME TO TELL AND HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH SOMONE AND THOSE SAME WORDS COME OUT SOMEONE ELSE MOUTH THAT I DON’T TALK TO LIKE THAT FUCKED ME ALL UP! …. IM JUST LIKE I DON’T GET IT?… WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT…

I KNOW WHY.. BECAUSE YOUR NOT ON MY SIDE… YOU NOT TEAM SKYE YOU AGAINST ME . YOUR IN COMPETITION WITH ME . YOU WANT TO CAUSE ME PAIN. SO I SAY FUCK ALL THAT AND CUT THEM OFF. NO NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY U DID IT NO NEED TO GO THROUGH THE I DID’NT SAY OR DO IT…IM JUST DONE.

Don’t give people your close thoughts and share your pain with people. really know and trust who u let in your circle. we be happy to have people around us we dont think right. but when your mental health is on the line you have to only think about you and what you want! fuck how they feel or if they need to talk. 

Non- binary

Non-binary[a] or genderqueer is an umbrella term for gender identities that are not solely male or female‍—‌identities that are outside the gender binary.[2][3]Non-binary identities fall under the transgender umbrella, since non-binary people typically identify with a genderthat is different from their assigned sex,[3] though some non-binary individuals do not consider themselves transgender.

In 1776, the Public Universal Friendidentified as a genderless evangelist, and afterward shunned both birth name and gendered pronouns,[61][62] an early instance of an American publicly identifying as not binary.[63]

In 1781, Jens Andersson of Norway, assigned female at birth but identifying as male, was imprisoned and put on trial after getting married to Anne Kristine Mortensdotter in a Lutheran church. When asked about his gender, the response was “Hand troer at kunde henhøre til begge Deele” (“He believes he belongs to both”).[64]

In 2012, the Intersex & Genderqueer Recognition Project was started to advocate for expanding gender options on official documentation.[65] In 2016, James Shupe was the first person to have a non-binary gender on official documents in the United States.[66]

In 2015, legislator Estefan Cortes-Vargascame out as non-binary in the Legislative Assembly of Alberta during a debate over the inclusion of transgender rights in the provincial human rights code.[67]

To small to make a difference

A lot of times I want to help people. I feel the need to connect to those who have been through the same as me. To let people know that someone else understands ya know. I would love to be a counselor for teenage girls to help them when he been sexually molested or raped or beaten up by a boyfriend. I just think one small person can’t make a big difference but we can start somewhere.

I have my blog where I tel my stories. And I have my candle collection where I use some of my candles to make awareness to some things in the world also self love quotes.

Life Gives very discouraging when you think people are judging you for trying to be a good person people are looking at you in a different way and wondering why you were trying to help these people people tell me that I’m an open book and sometimes I don’t need to be people tell me I should keep my stories to myself.

But how would I heal if I stay quiet. How can I help if I stay quiet.

Let’s help make a difference let each other know we are here. Don’t be afraid to say Me to.stand up for what I been through. Maybe we can stop a few people from getting hurt!

You don’t get to hurt me and pretend it never happened!

I hate it. I hate every time you do many things to try to destroy me you dont ever say sorry for anything.

My father is a narcissist and gaslighting narcissist. he is the type of person who like to try to guide you to do thing he want you to do . doesn’t matter if it hurts you or affects you in someway. he do thing to benefit him and him only. I have many many stories I can tell but we will be here all day. but recently we have seen one another in public after about 8 to 9 months. in the beginning of that time he came at me nasty. very hurtful words and just attacked my child as well. I dont forgive him. I hold a big ball of rage in my heart for this man.

within those 8 to 9 months not speaking to him he has texted me three times. once and it got to me and I replied back angry just like he wanted. he like to get you pissed and fight with you. the second time I calmly acknowledge the information he sent me was not me . which was a song. I think he was drunk one night and was playing some of our music and he likes to say I made music for a specific person. so he sent a song to me to try to bash me once again but the song was not mine it was my sisters…. so tell me does it still rule out the same shit u was talking even tho it wasn’t me !

The third time he randomly text me was after the family went to Orlando on a somewhat gathering and they claim to had invited me but no one has reached out and asked me . but anyways after they were done with the trip he text me ” Are you done being on your high horse? I got work need to be done. you only speak to certain people in the family”…. now this text really bother me but I didnt reply. because what the hell does that mean? how is it after not seeing your child for months and talking so much shit your way of trying to make me come back around is …. “I have work to be done”!!! like am I suppose to jump and go do as you say because of what? you are just bother that I speak to my siblings. because one of the last things he said to me was if he see me at a family gathering that he was going to slap the shit out of me…. so here I am at this point where I am going to a family gathering….

my sister from New York has come to town. she drove down to say hi see the kids. she wanted to meet at the beach. so I figured it out after many hours of determining whether or not I was going to go knowing that my sister may be there and my father will be there. But I just need to go to show them both that they don’t scare me I am allowed to speak and see those who choose to speak and see me .

so once I arrive … again he tried to pretend nothing happened…. he yells at me “hey ugly” which is something he always did…. I ignored him… he said outloud speaking towards me… you dont love me no more ?…. by the way he is super drunk. I can smell the 8 bottles he had as he talk to me from a distance…

I always gave into my parents because im not a disrespectful child … but I can get pushed there. and when he asks i didnt reply to him and I immediately felt bad and shamed that I made him feel something in that moment … but YOU DONT GET TO HURT ME AND PRETENT ITS OK…. its not fair that you shamed me and hurt me. its not ok that you made me your enemy. I gave in and tried to let go many times. but a person can only take so much…I lost a sister and a father last year… although they are very much alive I refuse to be in they circle for them to use as a punching bag…

good morning and happy Sunday……

what age were you?

Have you been through something and never to any one? how old were you when it happen? did you really understand what happen when it happen to you?. I think our fear really stop us from being open about things like this. Many kids are being touch and no one wants to listen. if my child mention in any way that some one has touch them or made them touch something I will listen and I will get to the truth.

what did you feel like at the time of the accident happing to you? I was so confused. I remember it being dark. maybe two or three in the morning and I remember thinking to myself do he know I’m related to the people house we are in? “why is he making me touch him”.? I closed my eyes and slowly try to pull away but he kept pulling on my hand to go in his pants.

I wanted to scream but I didn’t want to really wake everyone. I wanted to tell my sister but I didn’t really want to start no bull crap. maybe he was drunk and didn’t know. maybe he don’t know that I’m related because I never met him before. but I am a kid. why did he try to make me do that.?

Do you have nightmares?.. I think about his face all the time. I think about what I would do if I seen him again . I seen him once after that night and I almost threw up. I felt my stomach knot all up. I wanted to tell some one I wanted to pull someone to the side and say he did this to me but would they believe me ?

NEGATIVITY can destroy a person slowly!

Most people don’t realize the words that come out they mouth slowly kills a person. Being surrounded by others who express what they think about you or your life can mess someone up! I see that i am the type of person who soak in what people say. it bothers me confuse me and destroys me.

when others tell me negative thoughts about what i had positive thoughts on ruins everything about it….. now i am second guessing and no longer happy about the choices i made. im choosing to do things alone and keep things to myself to have a better life for me. i have a lot of pain and issues in my life and negative thoughts and people i have to stay clear from.

Family friends whatever it cost. my health my life is more important.. i have bad anxiety and i except that i am different. the way i see things and do things. BUT I AM OK with it. leave me be to clear my thoughts. i no longer go to anyone who is not truly happy for me. I don’t want to pretend to be friends with anyone who pretends with me. I have family members who say the worse thongs possible to you. and its like for you to be blood why would you say this.

one thing you say can make a person go home and harm themselves. you never know what a person is already dealing with at they own home. and for you to ruin they day or the rest of they life for saying the meanest thing you can is just wow.

people tell me things all the time. I wouldn’t repeat back to you things I know will truly mess u up. on purpose. don’t scream at me. don’t yell those words. why are you trying to break me.

why are you trying to see me cry. I never understood why people choose to jab you with things they know is close to you.

Im so over it.

Burning Feeling inside

when it happened… I was scared. I was scared that if i don’t listen he will hurt me. i was afraid because of who he was. If i say that he did what he did no one will believe me. He went to sleep as if he done nothing wrong he looked at me the next day in the sense of will i tell? I can see him worried but yet i stayed quiet. Every time his name was mention i wanted to say what he did. Every time i see his face i got this tight knot in my stomach. i wanted to run away and not be near him. i was mad,scared,weak…. I didn’t understand why he did what he did knowing who i was.