Roller coaster feelings..

Some days I truly feel empty… I don’t feel or have the energy to do anything . I feel so lost and heavy. I ask my self many questions like what I am doing in life right now.

Some day I have great energy and Im super bouncy and love everything and everyone I can do any job and I can be anywhere….

I hate not being my self. Not having that energy to clean shop create. Pushing myself to keep going. It’s like my mind just go blank. My feelings just go dead and no smile is upon my face anymore.

I want to be more into life again… I don’t know if I’m more depress because I’m alone most days. I don’t have close friends who visit me or family members who hang around…

So me trying to figure out why am I so sad and depressed all the time… I feel stuck.. I feel unhappy. I’m not happy where I am in life right now. I feel like I’m not in charge of my life once again….

I’m not able to do what I want that keeps me happy or makes me happy . I always find myself stuck…and trying to be someone else for someone else and I don’t like it.

I’ll be in lala land and i get caught up in life when I am in Situations where I enjoy something that is new to me and great at the moment….but then

I see it… I see how I am stuck I see how I am bein changed and I see how I am being controlled…… and I don’t like it… and each day I think how can I get outta it .

It made me go back into a hole it made me rethink myself again …I’m lost again… back down and stuck..

Feelings are all over the place

Does …..scare you?????

Does DEATH scare you? How often do you think about dying? How often do you wonder if there is a god or devil heaven or hell?

We don’t all talk about it… but with the way my anxiety is I’m always thinking about how that person just died and left everything. Or what they last saw before they died?

Do you ever think about where you want to be when it’s your time? Do you ever think about how u want to be buried and casket or burn to ashes?

I’m terrified to leave earth. I don’t know what I believe as far as heaven and hell. It’s nothing we can physically see now so hard to tell if it’s true real or not but it’s also just a belief other people think of other god and such!

What do you want to wear? Hair? Color? Nails? Never thought of it.

I watch a lot of crime tv shows and documentaries and hate to see people dying from hun shots to the face or being rape then drowned…. I would hate to pass in a horrific way😳😣😣 I love my kids so much I might die twice one again when I land where ever because I’m no longer with my boys😣😣😣.

Do you ever think of death???????

Non- binary

Non-binary[a] or genderqueer is an umbrella term for gender identities that are not solely male or female‍—‌identities that are outside the gender binary.[2][3]Non-binary identities fall under the transgender umbrella, since non-binary people typically identify with a genderthat is different from their assigned sex,[3] though some non-binary individuals do not consider themselves transgender.

In 1776, the Public Universal Friendidentified as a genderless evangelist, and afterward shunned both birth name and gendered pronouns,[61][62] an early instance of an American publicly identifying as not binary.[63]

In 1781, Jens Andersson of Norway, assigned female at birth but identifying as male, was imprisoned and put on trial after getting married to Anne Kristine Mortensdotter in a Lutheran church. When asked about his gender, the response was “Hand troer at kunde henhøre til begge Deele” (“He believes he belongs to both”).[64]

In 2012, the Intersex & Genderqueer Recognition Project was started to advocate for expanding gender options on official documentation.[65] In 2016, James Shupe was the first person to have a non-binary gender on official documents in the United States.[66]

In 2015, legislator Estefan Cortes-Vargascame out as non-binary in the Legislative Assembly of Alberta during a debate over the inclusion of transgender rights in the provincial human rights code.[67]

To small to make a difference

A lot of times I want to help people. I feel the need to connect to those who have been through the same as me. To let people know that someone else understands ya know. I would love to be a counselor for teenage girls to help them when he been sexually molested or raped or beaten up by a boyfriend. I just think one small person can’t make a big difference but we can start somewhere.

I have my blog where I tel my stories. And I have my candle collection where I use some of my candles to make awareness to some things in the world also self love quotes.

Life Gives very discouraging when you think people are judging you for trying to be a good person people are looking at you in a different way and wondering why you were trying to help these people people tell me that I’m an open book and sometimes I don’t need to be people tell me I should keep my stories to myself.

But how would I heal if I stay quiet. How can I help if I stay quiet.

Let’s help make a difference let each other know we are here. Don’t be afraid to say Me to.stand up for what I been through. Maybe we can stop a few people from getting hurt!


Good morning! April is sexual assault awareness month!

sexual assault is anytime some one has touch you when and where you dont want to be touch. if you dont agree to the situation and uncomfortable. they should not be doing it . they should not be forcing you or changing your mind to do anything. most woman and girls are afraid to tell. to speak up because we believe that no one will believe us. we are afraid what might happen to the person if we are related to them. we get rapped or molested and keep it to our self. we become damaged to the point we may think its normal or suppose to happen. I was sexually assault when I was younger. I was terrified to say anything. I was scared to see those people again . not knowing will they do it again. I gained anxiety and became depressed. early went out in public and around other people. I learned to not trust everyone who comes around your family friend or not. I see myself and look at myself different because I was blamed for one situation. I assume to believe that what happened to me was maybe supposed to happen or maybe that is how things go. But it feels so wrong and it made me squeal inside and made me shake it made me feel disgusting it made me feel dirty and it made me hate myself it made me want to hide it made me want to cover up it may not trust anyone. I now know that it was not my fault and I know that it is on the person who done those things to me I learn to say me too I learn to say it happened to me I learn to say I am a victim of sexual assault I am no longer ashamed because I learned it was not my fault I am no longer suffering and dying inside because I know it was not me who created the situation it was them. When you don’t have people around you who tell you what sex is or teach you who are the people that are supposed to touch you or who are the people who are not supposed to touch you you don’t know the difference. When you never had sex before and these weird things are being done to you you try to figure out what is wrong with you and why are they touching you what is it about you that makes you stand out. DONT BLAME YOU. ITS NOT OUR FAULTS. WE ARE JUST WOMAN AND THESE PEOPLE ARE JUST MONSTERS. HELP THOSE WHO COME TO YOU AND TELL YOU SOMETHING HAPPEN TO THEM. LISTEN AND SUPPORT THEM. THE WORSE THING IS NOT TO BE BELIEVE…IT TRULY MAKES YOU WANT TO DIE INSIDE. WE ARE TO IMPORTANT TO LET OTHERS DESTROY US. STAND TALL HOLD YOUR HEAD UP. FIGHT FIGHT FOR YOU!

NEGATIVITY can destroy a person slowly!

Most people don’t realize the words that come out they mouth slowly kills a person. Being surrounded by others who express what they think about you or your life can mess someone up! I see that i am the type of person who soak in what people say. it bothers me, confuses me and destroys me.

when others tell me negative thoughts about what i had positive thoughts on ruins everything about it….. now i am second guessing and no longer happy about the choices i made. im choosing to do things alone and keep things to myself to have a better life for me. i have a lot of pain and issues in my life and negative thoughts and people i have to stay clear from.

Family friends whatever it cost. my health my life is more important.. i have bad anxiety and i except that i am different. I except the way i see things and do things. BUT I AM OK with it. leave me to clear my thoughts. i no longer go to anyone who is not truly happy for me. I don’t want to pretend to be friends with anyone who pretends with me. I have family members who say the worse things possible to you. and its like for you to be blood why would you say this.

one thing you say can make a person go home and harm themselves. you never know what a person is already dealing with at their own home. I try to look at everyone from their perspective .And for you to ruin they day or the rest of they life for saying the meanest thing you can is just wow wow wow

why are you trying to see me cry. I never understood why people choose to jab you with things they know is close to you. why do people choose to painfully hurt us…

Im so over it.

Burning Feeling inside

when it happened… I was scared. I was scared that if i don’t listen he will hurt me. i was afraid because of who he was. If i say that he did what he did no one will believe me. He went to sleep as if he done nothing wrong he looked at me the next day in the sense of will i tell? I can see him worried but yet i stayed quiet. Every time his name was mention i wanted to say what he did. Every time i see his face i got this tight knot in my stomach. i wanted to run away and not be near him. i was mad,scared,weak…. I didn’t understand why he did what he did knowing who i was.